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 The Joke Thread 
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, '....why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why !'

'No, no,' the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews either!' the copilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic.'

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ...no mattah... all same.'

=======================

A black boy is playing in the kitchen and he covers himself in flour. He goes up to his mother and says “Mummy, look at me ! I’m not a little black boy anymore I’m a little white boy!”

WHACK ! His mum slaps him around the head, “Go and tell your Father what you just said !”

So the little black boy, complete with sore cheek walks into the living room and says to his Father “Daddy look at me ! I’m not a little black boy any more I’m a little white boy!”

WHACK ! His father kicks him in the balls, “Go and tell your Gran what you just said !”

So the little black boy hobbles into the garden and says to his Gran “Granny look at me ! I’m not a little black boy any more I’m a little white boy!”

WHACK ! His gran punches him in the nose and asks him what he has to say for himself.

Standing there with blood pouring down his face, clutching his balls he says “I’ve only been a white boy for 5 minutes and already I hate blacks!”


Tue Aug 24, 2010 1:46 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Heh, Jews would starve to death without Chinese Restaurants and the Chinese are worse about money Than the Jews so another bad rap. :green:

Heard that second one yesterday but the kid was an Arab in school and his teacher said his name was too hard to pronounce so named him Kevin. :green:

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Tue Aug 24, 2010 2:06 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

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Tue Sep 14, 2010 7:25 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:haha:

I posted it on FB

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Tue Sep 14, 2010 7:37 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after, and house, her neighbor’s male dog while they were away on vacation. She had a large house however, and believed that she could keep them apart, but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when they mate.



Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late at night, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and be able to withdraw."



"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me" he replied.

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Wed Sep 29, 2010 12:47 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
ONLY IN TEXAS...

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer”, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

True Story.

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Thu Sep 30, 2010 3:22 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Mike, Travis, and Blk were all scheduled to be executed by guillotine. Mike was first up and the executioner asked him how he would like to be facing when the blade came down. Mike responded, I'd like to be facing the ground so I don't have to see the blade. The executioner places him in position and pulls the lever to release the blade. Nothing happens.
The executioner says since the blade didnt drop, you are free to go.
Next up is Travis. The executioner asks which way he'd like to be facing and Travis replies on his side so he can see the crowd. The executioner places him under the guillotine and pulls the lever.
Once again, nothing happens.
The executioner lets Travis go since the blade didn't drop.
Lastly the Blk steps up. The executioner once again asks, which position he'd like to face. Blk decides to face up so he can see his fate. As the executioner is about to pull the lever, Blk exclaims, "Wait, I think I see the problem!!"

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Thu Sep 30, 2010 3:36 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:lol:

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Thu Sep 30, 2010 4:00 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Image


That represents the job market, as well as our dumbass government... :rolleye:

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Wed Oct 13, 2010 6:15 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
I braked as hard as I could but still hit the car in front of me. A gorgeous blonde got out and yelled at me "Ram me up the ass why don't you?" This, Your Honor, is where I believe all the confusion began..."

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So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause. - Star Wars

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Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:08 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:lol: Good one Max.

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Fri May 18, 2012 6:44 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Best ginger joke EVER.

a woman in advance state of pregnancy goes for a check up..

The doctor tells her " I've good news and bad news. "

The woman says. Give me the bad news first.

Ok... We've done a scan and discovered that your baby is ginger.

Ok says the woman. What's the good news



It's DEAD. :doh:

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Sat Feb 09, 2013 2:25 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Cracked me up.....

We've found a CHINK in thier armour... :2guns:


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Mon Apr 15, 2013 4:13 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Beave wrote:
so; a guy walks into a bar. everyone laughed at him.
:beer2:

his dyslexic brother walked into a bra

what did the fish say when it swam into the concrete wall?
dam

What did the lesbian fish say when she swam into the wall?
dyke


Tue Jul 30, 2013 7:27 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
A man goes to a public golf course.

He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says,"I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of our caddies are out on the course. But - We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today.

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer.
He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said,
"No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole."

Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. And this was the way the rest of the game went - The robot's suggestions were always correct and the man's entire game was the best game he had ever played.

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible! The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fairway."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of them didn't show up for work, two of them applied for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop and the last one thinks he's the President!

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So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause. - Star Wars

"If You Think This Has A Happy Ending, You Haven't Been Paying Attention."


Fri Aug 16, 2013 8:31 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:angry:

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Fri Aug 16, 2013 9:51 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Two Islamic men move to the U.S. and decide to get together for lunch. One says to the other, "Let's make a bet and see who can assimilate into the American culture faster. We'll meet up again in three months and compare our experiences." His Arab compatriot loves the idea, and agrees.

When they meet up three months later, the first Arab says, "My boys play baseball and football, my wife is a member of the school PTA, we eat at McDonalds all the time and I love hot dogs! How about you, my friend?"

The second Arab glares at him says, "Fuck you, Towelhead."

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Wed Feb 19, 2014 9:33 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
What is Irish and sits in the sun all day?




























Paddy O'Funiture

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So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause. - Star Wars

"If You Think This Has A Happy Ending, You Haven't Been Paying Attention."


Sat Mar 18, 2017 12:00 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:doh:

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Sat Mar 18, 2017 5:03 pm
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