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 The Joke Thread 
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
A letter to Jesse James

Jesse:

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth is shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in front of the world while you were porkin’ away.

You really are a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

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Fri Apr 16, 2010 9:53 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
This came from a Marines wife. It says it all:


Quote:
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government
Under went a peaceful transition of power a year ago..
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while
Barack Obama took his Oath of office.

However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21Marines,
In full dress uniform with rifles,
Fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.
Every damn one of them missed the bastard.

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2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
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2000 WS6 M6->A4
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2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
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Tue Apr 20, 2010 12:13 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an
old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.
" The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks
slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk,
but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two
fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

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Wed Apr 21, 2010 4:00 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
racist?????? but true



David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can’t work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out and run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR...

# 1 - They can’t wear their helmets sideways.

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Wed Apr 21, 2010 6:02 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Not really Letterman's list.


Wed Apr 21, 2010 6:48 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
I know

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Wed Apr 21, 2010 8:47 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:tard: Still a funny. :D

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2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
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Wed Apr 21, 2010 9:10 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
A USMC sniper was real good at his job, and he had a method. He would yell out some insult at the enemy and when someone stood up to reply, BANG - one less insurgent!
After every mission the company commander would ask "How many insurgents have you shot today?"
However, on this particular day when asked about the number killed, he reported "Five killed and I let one go, sir."
"Let one go?" roared the company commander. "What do you mean, you let one go?" "Well, sir, I yelled out 'Osama is a Homo!' Then this big insurgent stood up and yelled 'Hillary is a Bitch!' I just couldn't shoot a fellow Republican!"

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"If You Think This Has A Happy Ending, You Haven't Been Paying Attention."


Thu Apr 22, 2010 3:08 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:lol:

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Thu Apr 22, 2010 3:23 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Figured you would like that one. ;)

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Ranter, Raver and Nitpicker Extraordinaire

So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause. - Star Wars

"If You Think This Has A Happy Ending, You Haven't Been Paying Attention."


Thu Apr 22, 2010 4:01 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Smell My Finger

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That's what 18 holes smell like.


Thu Apr 22, 2010 4:14 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:lol: :doh:

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Thu Apr 22, 2010 6:14 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:lol: :teehee: I literally :teehee: snorted.

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2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
http://www.PanamacityLSX.com


Thu Apr 22, 2010 6:59 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
I saw a billboard sign that said:

________________

NEED HELP,

CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787
________________

Out of curiosity, I did

A mexican showed up with a lawnmower

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Mon Apr 26, 2010 7:49 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! :lol:

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2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
http://www.PanamacityLSX.com


Mon Apr 26, 2010 4:08 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:teehee: :teehee: :teehee: :teehee: :teehee:

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Tue Apr 27, 2010 3:44 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
A recent survey was conducted about women and how they feel about their asses;

The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their ass is too fat.

10% of women think their ass is too skinny.

60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man and they wouldn't trade him for the world


Wed Apr 28, 2010 12:27 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
The other day I needed to go to the emergency room. Not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my old Army fatigues and stuck a patch onto the front of my shirt that I had downloaded off the Internet.
When I went into the E.R., I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.


Image

It also works at DMV. It saved me 5 hours.

At the Laundromat, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.
Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole crew got up and left and l never got my order...

_________________
2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
http://www.PanamacityLSX.com


Wed May 12, 2010 4:59 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:teehee: :teehee:

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Fri May 14, 2010 11:39 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT


A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee.
The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?"
The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a
cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a
booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea.
He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?"
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of
hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches.
He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's
about gettin' me a cold mug of Miller Light?" He too looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer.
"On my bill," he said loudly.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength com back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness,you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and heraised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.


The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me ... I'm collecting disability."

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Thu May 27, 2010 10:27 am
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