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 The Joke Thread 
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Post Ghost Sex
A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks,
'How many people here believe in ghosts?'

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'

Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

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Fri Jun 04, 2010 7:23 am
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Post Re: Ghost Sex
02 WS6 TA wrote:
Ahmed replied, "Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."


Are you sure Ahmed was his name and not ummm That guy. ;)

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Fri Jun 04, 2010 8:41 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Image

:teehee:

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2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
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Sun Jun 06, 2010 7:54 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'

The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

_________________
2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
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Fri Jun 11, 2010 5:45 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards..... What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires ... mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights.. is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards... are 2 slices of crisp bacon !

'Oh,... OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?'

'She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

:max:

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Fri Jun 11, 2010 3:32 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:teehee:


I'll let Todd tell ya'll 'bout :quote2: flapjacks.

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Fri Jun 11, 2010 3:40 pm
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Post An email I got today...
It has come to our attention that you may be
reporting to duty while under the influence of alcohol.
To clear the air, you are required to answer the question below.

Which direction is this car going...?

Image

If you cannot tell, you may be drinking too much!

_________________
2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
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Tue Jun 15, 2010 12:25 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
If you drink enough it becomes very easy again.

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Ranter, Raver and Nitpicker Extraordinaire

So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause. - Star Wars

"If You Think This Has A Happy Ending, You Haven't Been Paying Attention."


Tue Jun 15, 2010 12:48 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Forightward.


Tue Jun 15, 2010 12:48 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Max wrote:
If you drink enough it becomes very easy again.




I'm tryin' like hell. :teehee:

_________________
2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
http://www.PanamacityLSX.com


Tue Jun 15, 2010 1:18 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk
on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher…

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full
of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough
tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"

Then I would say,” It is dog shit. Want to buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the Democrats' approach of giving you something shitty for
free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your
mouth."

_________________
2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
http://www.PanamacityLSX.com


Tue Jun 22, 2010 1:22 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
door bell rings, I answer the door. its a guy wearing an ADT alarm shirt.
ADT: hello sir, I am in the neighborhood telling people about our new promotion and I noticed you don't have one of our signs in front of your house.
Me: thats right I don't, do you know why ?
ADT: no, why ?
Me: those signs do nothing because people don't pay attention to signs
ADT: most would disagree
Me: really? there is a sign at the entrance to my neighborhood that says " no solicitors" and you paid no attention to that sign, why would anyone pay attention to yours ?
ADT: jaw drops , eyes glass over, face becomes flush

door closes
back to dinner

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Wed Jun 23, 2010 6:40 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
I just quit answering the door :lol:


Wed Jun 23, 2010 9:48 am
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Post Football Scouting Reports
It has finally arrived...the 2010 football scouting reports.

The following is currently making the rounds of Division I football coaches:



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Wayfron P. Jackson:
6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute).

Wayfron can print his complete name. Signed with Tennessee .



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Quinticious Jenkins:
6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School , Dunn , N.C. Also led the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions..

He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm. Signed with Mississippi State .



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell:
6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back.. From Tyler , Texas . Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well.

Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. Listed his church preference as "red brick."Signed with the Kansas State University .



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Woodrow Lee Washington:
6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child Number 9 have same father.

He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said somethin? bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he listed his I.Q. as 20-20. Signed with the University of Oklahoma .



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Willie "Night Train" Smith:
6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 's helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements..

Insists on wearing Number 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's. Signed with the University of Alabama .



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Tyrone "Python" Peoples:
6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges, but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and red Cadillacs.

Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company. Signed with University of Miami .



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



AbdulHasheen Abba Ali:
6'10",305 lbs. Guard. Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville ..

Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.) Signed with the University of Florida .



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------













Note:
College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar alarm.

_________________
2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
http://www.PanamacityLSX.com


Wed Jun 30, 2010 5:51 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
http://img13.imageshack.us/img13/8619/2204355.swf


:tard:

_________________
2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
http://www.PanamacityLSX.com


Wed Jul 07, 2010 7:17 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it...

1979: Long hair
2009: Longing for hair


1979: KEG
2009: EKG


1979 : Acid rock
2009: Acid reflux
1979: Moving to California because it's cool
2009: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1979: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2009: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1979: Seeds and stems
2009: Roughage


1979: Hoping for a BMW
2009: Hoping for a BM


1979: Going to a new, hip joint
2009: Receiving a new hip joint

1979: Rolling Stones
2009: Kidney Stones


1979: Screw the system
2009: Upgrade the system

1979: Disco
2009: Costco


1979: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2009: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1979: Passing the drivers' test
2009: Passing the vision test


1979: Whatever
2009: Depends

_________________
2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
http://www.PanamacityLSX.com


Mon Jul 26, 2010 6:48 am
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
:teehee:

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Mon Jul 26, 2010 10:26 pm
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Post New Panties
New Panties


To spice up her dead sex-life, a woman buys a pair of crotchless panties. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.

At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."

He never heard the gunshot.

_________________
2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
http://www.PanamacityLSX.com


Wed Jul 28, 2010 3:11 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
Subject: UCLA STUDY




A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:


A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed

that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending

on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and

masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal,

she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and

a spear lodged in his chest with a baseball bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

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Wed Aug 11, 2010 5:05 pm
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Post Re: The Joke Thread
MARTHA STEWART'S TIPS FOR REDNECKS:

GENERAL:
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT:
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE:
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE ETIQUETTE:
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS:
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE:
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession

_________________
2002 WS6 M6 454 LSx
2000 Camaro SS M6
2000 WS6 M6->A4
2006 Envoy Denali
2004 Silverado SS
2002 Grand Prix GTP sdn
2004 GTO A4
1999 GMC Slonoma
1999 "Project LS10"
1996 Impala SS
http://www.PanamacityLSX.com


Fri Aug 20, 2010 5:56 pm
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